How to Forgive

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu is the guide for the next 5 sessions of our mid-week Living in Faith series. Below I include direct quotes and ideas from the book for us to consider: 

"There is nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness.

We face the choice: to forgive or not?  To forgive or seek revenge? 

Until we forgive…

We remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom.

We remain tethered to the person who harmed us.

We are bound with chains of bitterness, tied together, trapped.

Until we forgive, that person will hold the keys of our happiness, that person will be our jailor.

The science of Forgiveness:

Fred Luskin: “In careful scientific studies, forgiveness training has been shown to reduce depression, increase hopefulness, decrease anger, improve spiritual connection and increase emotional self-confidence. 

Holding onto anger can increase risk for anxiety, depression, and insomnia, and people are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, ulcers, migraines, backaches, heart attack, and even cancer.

Another study: people who were socially isolated were three times more likely to die prematurely than those who had a strong social web. Those with strong social web (and smoked, were obese and exercised) lived longer than those with weak social circles and healthy living.

Forgiveness is not dependent on the actions of others.  Conditional forgiveness is a gift with strings attached.  “I am willing to forgive if you…. Then I will forgive you”. “I will not speak to you… unless you say you are sorry…” 

Unconditional forgiveness is a gift without strings… a grace.

Forgiveness does not erase the reality of an injury.

To forgive does not ask us to pretend what happened did not happen.

Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt. (Risen Christ showed his scars).

Forgiveness takes practice, honesty, open-mindedness, and a willingness to try. 

What forgiveness is not:  Forgive and forget…. Forgiveness is not forgetting."